@alldrolledup: It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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@iwearaonesie: wife [whispers] Josh me wife *nudges me* Josh me: Huh? What? wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
@fro_vo: Doctor: you're never too old to start exercising Me: cool thanks i'll start in maybe like 15 years then
@BlindChow: INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk? ME: ʸᵉˢ INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@krustythe_klown: I'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer's