I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
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Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
sigh
A duv-egg? In this economy?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die