*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My time has come.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Worth a try
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?