It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me My dog
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook