It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.