It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway