It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
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