My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My neck my back my allergy attack
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.