When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
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I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE