It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son