It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
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Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me