It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
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a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I’ve had relationships like this
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH