It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
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Realize this:
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Does your wife know you’re single?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.