It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
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I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me