@4ScoreN20Bowls: It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
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@WheelTod: On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
@FeelingMervis: UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.
@david8hughes: [steps off treadmill] "Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I'm fitn--" "Shall I call an ambulance?" "Please."
@Introvert_Dad: *wife puts down dinner plate* *single pea rolls off plate* Me: oh no we have an esca-pea Wife: Me: I don't care I think it's still funny