It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
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never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent