It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Living the best life.. 😊
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*