It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
No laws when master is gone
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?