It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Me buying fruit and veg
dutch so unserious
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.