me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
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Just a friendly reminder!
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
#SCOTUS one-star review
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
this FaceApp is creepy af
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no