It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?