It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
You Might Also Like
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Can’t. About to go please some beans
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.