It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
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boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!