It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
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Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Bike for sale
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours