It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
LOOOOOOL
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak