@Matt_the_1st: It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
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@SuperApple80: Jesus Christ, you’re absolutely insane. Wanna be friends so I look like a better person?
@onion_an: Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex Me: Yeah Gf: I'm having twins Me suspiciously: We only did it once why's there two babies
@MichaelTrying: "Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper." -Amazon suggestions logic