@realHamOnWry: It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says "You're fired" every time he launches a nuke.
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@Schmoodles: I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.
@WilliamAder: Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have? Me: Don't feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
@david8hughes: [baby sitting] "Hey, yeah it's me. No, everything's fine. Just a quick question about his legs." "..." "So how many legs did he have?"
@FeelsLike2sday: Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls