@realHamOnWry: It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says "You're fired" every time he launches a nuke.
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: what’s going on? ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
@BroIsMeeeee: "sir do u know why i pulled u over" *shrugs* "License- *hands cop box of crayons* "sir plea- *hands cop coloring book* *cop starts coloring*
@trumpetcake: MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn't stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.
@OtherDanOBrien: *Lady gives balloon to my son* ME: What do u say? SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you