It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
You Might Also Like
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Yup
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos