It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
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My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.