@NotthatAdamWest: It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
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@ShesARealGenius: [FIRST DATE] Him: "I love science-fiction." Me, trying to impress him: "I think the earth is flat."
@danjan13: My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don't think it's weird, it's so clever! My gf 2nd month: listen
@JasonLastname: Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
@juliussharpe: I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I'm 40. I'm not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.