It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Welcome to the stomach
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?