It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.