I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
You Might Also Like
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Not messing around
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.