it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
You Might Also Like
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.