WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
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Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others