Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
There is no “we” in pizza
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it