There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
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Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.