It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
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If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
adding to the discourse
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701