It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
You Might Also Like
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Krampus.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us