It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Who did it better?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name