ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
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I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
everyone’s a critic
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
How actors in movies eat their food
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open