It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Strange
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
? 💀
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.