It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
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I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Investing in beetcoin
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate