that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
You Might Also Like
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.