It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.