It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.