@040204Lawson: It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.
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@XplodingUnicorn: What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten: 1) phonics 2) writing 3) math What I actually taught her: 1) the dance to Thriller
@novicefather: [grocery store with 2yo] Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next? Me: a vasectomy
@AristotlesNZ: Car broke down. Seen enough Man vs Wild to survive. 20mins later when the tow truck showed up I was drinking urine out of a poodle's skull.