“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble