@KindOfASmartass: It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you've slept with
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@tastefactory: Girl, did it hurt...when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
@dsmitty62: Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
@JaySuch: My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don't go to Disney.
@Storminika: *Attempts to give a Homeless guy change* Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you. Me: Really? *holds on to change*