The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
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Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!