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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
at ease…shoulder.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*