Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
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I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I’ll be mad as hell!
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*