It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
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Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
How does one answer this?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds